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Date:2005-09-13 17:17
Subject:
Security:Public

Let me preface this by saying that the longer I go without writing in here, the harder it is for me to do so. The silence gains a life of its own... an unnatural, immensely grotesque vitality, and the effort required to break that silence grows exponentially. It becomes a thing to be respected and feared... everything I have to say seems inconsequential in the face of this wickedly slumbering beast. So I consider this an act of perverse bravery... I will not edit for content, and I will not turn back. I will say what I have to say and turn the computer off.



Over the summer, in preparation for the new school year, I had to look through my old school files in search of medical records. I uncovered a thick sheaf of evaluations by various teachers.

Mrs. Walters, my junior year Calculus teacher, wrote: "Davis seems to operate under some mysterious, self-defeating formula." Incidentally, I couldn't agree more, or say it better. She elaborated; I never did homework, but would throw myself into challenging classwork (when I showed up). The things I found uninteresting, I ignored. I failed Calculus that year.

I haven't changed much.

My self control is non-existant. I came to school with a list of resolutions. I was going to break my hermetical habits. Make new friends, permanently re-establish contact with everyone dear to my heart who I've estranged, stay on top of my work, be responsible, be motivated, be an adult.

And then I bought World of Warcraft, got hooked, and spiraled into yet another self-defeating formula.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not failing. I did have to drop my 9:30 AM Philosophy class, but I sort of knew that was coming.

I have an amazing ability to pull through in the clutch; in fact, I've never really told anyone how easily my 3.6 GPA last year could've been a 2.0, but for last-minute grinding of unbelievable proportions. I'm extremely lucky and gifted. I don't deny that. Brains run in my family; some of the smartest people I know are the ones I see on the holidays. The difference is that they all feel obligated to live up to their potential. I would rather squander my abilities and turn my life into a tragedy rife with missed opportunity and self-imposed isolation.

I'm still smoking cigarettes, in spite of a well-intentioned promise. I'm halfway through the book I'm supposed to write my final English paper on, but I haven't written a word of the first paper... the first draft is due for peer-editing on Thursday. My English teacher has stopped making the comment, "ah, fashionably late!" when I show up, even though it remains relevant. My Math teacher referred to me as, "the one who doesn't know how to use a clock." My mother writes me e-mails asking me if I'm alive. I haven't made a single friend, nor have I tried. I haven't devoted any time to my writing in months. My list of obligations unfulfilled is so overwhelming, it's easier to let it grow than commit myself to its reduction.

Why am I writing this? To force myself to recognize my failures, I guess. I feel the weight of expectations unspoken, and you'd think that might be a motivator, but no. Easier to shatter those expectations with reality. So here it is. Cold and ugly.

I'm going to go doodle on the paper for a while and hope I can squeeze something out before I give in to the temptation to drown my awareness in alchohol and piles of dead gnomes. If you feel like giving me a kick in the ass, please e-mail me, I need it. dza (at) vt (dot) edu. Please, no pity or positivity, those I cannot take.

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Date:2005-07-11 00:36
Subject:
Security:Public

ahh, googlism

  • davis is to blame
  • davis is out as coach of fury
  • davis is mr
  • davis is doing to conserve energy
  • davis is available for special events
  • davis is ready to impose massive rate hikes
  • davis is finally breeding
  • davis is funny that way
  • davis is an evil skank
  • davis is in shortage
  • davis is a non

  • dza is moving to a new location so this one is being shut down thank you for visiting though
  • dza is almost unlike anything else you will have seen
  • dza is believed to leave residues of whitish substance on the earth surface at the end of the period

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Date:2005-07-07 01:14
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:exebriated

whiplash sucks, but there is an upside. like the 2005 grand prix, only 12000 miles, power windows, crankin radio, cruise control, ac blastin, six cylinder, wheels that squeal when floored from zero... oh dear. maybe this is a bad thing. so why does it feel so good? i'll tell you why, in three words.

chicks dig it.

thank you state farm, thank you stupid virginia driver who totalled my corolla, thank you thank you thank you.




in odd news, i got in an hour long debate at the bar tonight, over the pythagorean theorem and various semantical tangents. god i'm a fucking tool...

in haha news, i returned a page at around 11 pm, to a number i vaguely recognized, only to wake up dirck. HA HA. speaking of tools...

there was more news but alcohol is truth serum and that's dangerous

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Date:2005-07-06 05:43
Subject:
Security:Public

a brief update

i've finished moving for the second time in a month.

i've got an apartment with a cool dude lined up at virginia tech. (moving, again, in three weeks)

i spent the fourth people-watching alone in dc, and it was cathartic.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get back together with lizette. sometimes i wonder if she wonders.

i've been working as a backup instructor for eei... adobe illustrator last week, html tomorrow. easy breezy, mad loot.


oh, and the big one. the reason i'm writing a journal entry at 5:30 in the morning.

another accident. haha. what's that, three in less than a year?

OKAY, YEAH, SHUT UP. this one wasn't my fault.

i'm cruising down burke lake road, coming up on the intersection with rolling road. all i'm trying to do is pick up pants and a shirt for work... left them in a friend's car last week.

the friend's directions suck. i'm going everywhichway but the right way. i finally figure it out. yes. ding. get the pants and go to sleep. simple, no? if only.

where am i? that's right. i'm coming over the hill up to the traffic light for rolling road. the traffic light is red. i put a light toe on the brake, but i've got room to roll. the light turns green. i let off the brake. i'm in the left lane. there's a line of cars in the right lane, maybe eight or nine cars deep, but not a damn automobile in the left. so i keep on rockin (abiding by the posted speed limit, mind you). when mr. suv in the right lane decides to jerk his car into my lane. i'm maybe twenty yards away. doing forty. (64 kph for you canucks). it's been raining. squeeeeal, crunch.

he gets a ding in his door. i get a dented hood, a ruined bumper, a plethora of peeling paint, a popped tire, a smushed wheel (i believe that is the technical term, my mechanic friend picked me up and that's what he called it), and, oh yes, a bent frame. which means maybe likely probably totalled, for real this time? maybe now i can get another manual transmission, because the corolla is officially fucked. (i'll miss you and your 27 miles to the gallon, sweetheart).

the long conversations with insurance agents and e-mails to employers are done. at this point, sleep is not an option. i'm drinking coffee and waiting for state farm's claims office to open at seven. i need a rental.

because, you see (and here's the kicker): i'm in annandale, housesitting for mom. i need to be at work in alexandria at 8:30. when i get out at four, i have to get to work in woodbridge by five. even if i did have a car, that'd be pushing it. have you ever been on 95 south during rush hour? the government agents scuttle south and clog the highway, like wads of gum oozing from a park bench in the hot summer sun, only slower, and maybe less tasty.



and an afterthought: you know what else sucks? being an independent contractor and filing quarterly taxes. especially when you're as haphazard and disorganized and unputtogether as i am.

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Date:2005-06-18 13:31
Subject:
Security:Public

is it really mid-summer? i think time is leaking. or maybe it's just me.

i can't wait to get to blacksburg. i thought i was done with drama, but it never ends.

i've changed a lot in the past six months. not for the better. i need a break. i am lost.

music is my escape. why does cake always sing what i need to hear? why did i miss gza at the 9:30 club? why did i miss wu tang at jaxx? why did i miss modest mouse? i will not miss the beatnuts. i found and lost the live sublime cd. mixes by littlestink and dog_new_tricks make me sad, even when the songs are happy. my theme song is johnny cash's rendition of hurt. bob dylan dominates my playlist. everybody must get stoned. in the biblical sense.



i still owe april and may, to list the least of my unfilfilled obligations.

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Date:2005-05-22 22:37
Subject:timeline
Security:Public
Mood:evicted

december

i've just finished a semester of 20 credit-hours plus two eight hour work-days a week. i've wrecked my GTI and my thousands in savings have been spent covering rent, food, etc... for shiftless housemates. i'm working as many hours as possible in preparation for january rent and the electric bill. the energy company is two weeks from shutting us down.

january

rent and electric get paid. money is tight. kashmir's car is repossessed. dad buys me a toyota corolla, without which i would be royally fucked. the car becomes my lifeblood. i leave the job in DC to tutor on campus. i make less than ten hours a week. i'm taking fewer credit-hours but doing an unpaid internship at the local high school for four and a half hours a week. will is [finally] working full time. josh and kashmir are unemployed. the refridgerator begins to growl. i make friends with some neighbors. travis and kelly live down the block, with haley and kayla, their two daughters, and diablo, their baby pit bull. travis and kelly are ex-heroin addicts. a church helped them get an apartment and get in a methadone clinic. travis works for the church in exchange. they are on food stamps. they send me home with arms buckling from the weight of the groceries. the four housemates feast. there's even a bone for riley (will and kashmir's pit bull).

february

i get a second job. i am constantly busy. at some point, travis has a falling out with the church. the details are still sketchy to me. travis and kelly get a trespassing notice. it is not signed by a magistrate, but by the preacher. they laugh it off. they tell me about it the next day. i'm there when the police come and handcuff them in front of their children. i get another neighbor, a friend of theirs, to watch the kids. i walk the dog, then go home to do homework. travis and kelly have my number. they call the next day. it's a cold february. too cold for two little girls to be stuck homeless. we offer them our living room.

march

the kids are awesome. we all love them. travis is fun to talk with, and street-wise. i learn a little bit of hustle from him. i learn to keep my eyes on the dumpsters; one man's trash is another's treasure. kelly is my confidante. we bitch about kashmir together. it makes me feel justified for hating her. kelly feeds me information about the stupid things kashmir does when i'm not around (which is often; i'm rarely home). kelly has a knack for saying the right things to please people. but kelly is worried that we'll kick them out. i keep reassuring her that we'll give them time to get back on their feet. they keep the fridge full, and it helps. life at home is chaotic. i fall behind on my schoolwork. kelly tells us about a friend of theirs who owns two tattoo shops. he's giving them a loan, a sizable sum. she's going to surpise travis with the money. she's going to buy him a car, and they're getting a place of their own. she's going to give us money to pay for bills, plus a little extra. and can she borrow twenty dollars for the methadone clinic? kelly has me drop my car off at her cousin's shop. she's paid him to fix it up and get it in top shape. he's doing it on the side, so he can only work on it when there are no other cars needing work. two weeks later, i get tired of waiting for my own car. i swing by the shop. nothing is different. i speak with her cousin. i do not mention the money, i act like i know nothing. he says that he told her everything wrong with the car, he is waiting on the "go" from me. i ask him "how much." he quotes me a price; he obviously was not paid. i stop believing kelly. i confront her. she gets dramatic. we fight. it gets nasty. i tell travis everything the next day. that night, kelly comes to me with a black eye. she blames me. i walk away from the conversation feeling like a major asshole. what a sucker.


...to be continued...

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Date:2005-05-13 12:02
Subject:yes indeedy
Security:Public

i am a hokie

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Date:2005-05-09 02:28
Subject:sorry
Security:Public

had to pop back into seclusion for a bit, forgot that the semester wasn't over. well, now it is.

have i mentioned how much i love gmail? i've heard bitchery about invasive advertising, but i find it pleasantly easy to ignore. in fact, the first ad i even noticed was this. i wonder what kind of e-mails i was sending to receive such a targeted advertisement. but, anyways.

good news comes in clumps:

i won a scholarship that i only vaguely knew i was qualified for
i got a ginormous raise from the SAT prep company, plus way more hours for the summer
i'm moving out by the end of the week, and i already have responsible, mature, rent-paying motherfuckers lined up for round two

my house is chaos, but it will not be my house for long. one of these days, i'll take the time to write the whole story. it's a fucking doozy. drugs, pit bulls, children, kittens, thievery, deceit, extreme gullibility (we're talking lucy/charlie brown/football here), police, broken glass, violence, manipulation, gossip, betrayal... man it's fucking juicy. i want to tell it now, i really do, but i don't even know where to start.

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Date:2005-04-29 12:20
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood:perchance to dream?

headbangpissah (click here for funny)

in other news, i am about halfway finished with my ADF math class (alternative delivery format... collegese for self-taught). the first half, i've finished in the past week. i have another week for the second half. i could've used the first two weeks of the semester, but it's much classier to use the last.

when i can find the time, i've been pursuing this dating kick, even though i suck at it. i think part of my motivation is that i need to stay out of my fucking apartment. there's a constant, restless tension. i get headaches from simply being in the same room as certain housemates.

none of the girls i've dated have really sparked me for more than a moment. and then, all of the sudden, i found myself falling for my lesbian friend, the first friend i made at the school, who i've been hanging out with on the regular. i rock out on wanting what i can't have.

i really should be working. one more week of school and then maybe i can sleep.

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Date:2005-04-25 03:38
Subject:and i was going the god damn speed limit, too
Security:Public
Mood:wrecked

there's a deliciously bitter irony in the fact that, only moments ago, i totaled my car, when my balding tires gave out, because my car was weighed down by the free tires i picked up to replace aforementioned balding tires, after seeing them (the free tires) posted on craigslist.

and i just had new brakes and a new battery put in on friday.

i have an uncanny knack for fucking my life up at the worst possible time.

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Date:2005-04-24 02:55
Subject:i do not make a good friend. i will let you down.
Security:Public

i like to break people's expectations until they expect me to be flaky and unreliable. expectations like that are easy to meet.

i thought it was spring, but i saw my shadow. maybe next year i'll be a decent person.

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Date:2005-03-15 07:18
Subject:
Security:Public

i might have a girlfriend, official status yet to be determined.

she's neato, and i'll never be able to meet her family, because i am white and i am not muslim and they will not approve.

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Date:2005-03-03 10:03
Subject:bubbles! bubblesbubblesbubblesbubblesbubbles!
Security:Public

heard this morning on npr:

Chemists discover that tiny air bubbles in a flask of strong acid can get hotter than the surface of the sun. This finding is the latest development in a controversial pursuit to generate nuclear energy in a tabletop device.

in other news, spring break is next week. i need it. i am jack's hot gas trapped in a boiling bubble.

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Date:2005-02-14 09:37
Subject:
Security:Public

saturday i was outside philly (westchester to be precise) for a funeral. richard, my mom's cousin. i'd never met him. apparently i would have; he and his family were gearing up to drive to DC for my grandmother's memorial service, when he dropped dead without notice.

the good news is that there was lots of talk about, "why do we only meet when bad things happen?" i think there's some kind of reunion in the works. i hope so. i know too few of my relatives.

apparently richard was a minister for the jehovah's witnesses. the service was one part personal reflection on his life by another minister... very moving. then four parts of proselytization. that got old quickly.

i saw my grandmother's sister flo and her husband joe. it's been a very long time since i've seen them. in my memory, they are lively and hilarious. joe is the kind of old man who's always smiling, always cracking jokes. he's got alzheimer's now, and it's pretty bad. he didn't talk much. he seemed confused. i don't think he recognized me. someone asked him if he remembered them; he replied, "why, don't you remember yourself?" he's still got the funny bone, but i wish i'd gotten to know him as an adult. it's too late now.

umph. shake it off.


i interviewed friday and got the job. eight more hours a week, helping high school students prepare for their SATs. kashmir has an interview today. if she gets this, it will be the first time everyone in our household is employed at the same time.

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Date:2005-02-08 09:32
Subject:
Security:Public

she took it back. she's not moving. i am broken.

am also broke. am playing the "do i have enough gas to get home from school tonight?" game. fun for the whole family.

this spot used to be occupied by another episode of "bitch session about kashmir," but i decided she's not even worth her weight in digital storage. i think i hate her.

i wish i could twist it all into a ball and throw it far away.

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Date:2005-01-31 15:55
Subject:procrastination is the enemy
Security:Public

i have several phone calls that i've been putting off, for various reasons, and now it is too late. my long distance has been cut off. apologies to anyone i've left hanging. i suck.

lizette came out for my grandmother's memorial service. it was good to see her, good and weird. she wrote me an e-mail to which i do not know how to respond. i'm not very good at these kinds of things.

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Date:2005-01-22 14:11
Subject:yeeeeeeah
Security:Public

what a lackadaisical protest. i'm somewhat disappointed. i'm still having a blast, though, subverting bush's plan to take over the word "freedom." i've used it in every which way, it's meaningless now, so ha! take that, grand old poopy party.

ps: last night, we made a deformed pizza, named it dick cheney, and ate it in effigy. that does have some disturbing connotations. oh well. it was delicious.

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Date:2005-01-12 17:27
Subject:WTFestival
Security:Public

i just taught somebody the quadratic formula. the gleam in his eye was priceless. i think i love my job. in fact, i'm sure.

kashmir is on a mission to drive me up the wall. i set the coffee pot on automatic last night. i set it for batman coffee, i mean, WHAMMO-ZAP-POW-KERPLOOSH, so i could be supercharged for school. when i got out of the shower, she told me, "the coffee was kinda strong, so i brewed some more water through it."

and so i was stuck drinking hot, lightly caffeinated water. grrrr. DON'T FUCK WITH MY COFFEE.

she dropped me off at school so she could take my car to an interview. when she picked me up, the car reeked of smoke. double fucking grrrr.



the rest of this post is for nova expatriates. as of noon today, WHFS is now El Zol.

will there be an elzolstival? i sure hope not. the world moves on...

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Date:2005-01-10 14:10
Subject:i said, "hey! what's going on?"
Security:Public

oh my fucking god. i just wrote one of the longest entries i've ever written. livejournal ate it. i don't have the energy to rewrite it.

summarized:

recommended reading: the conyers report, "preserving democracy: what went wrong in ohio"

i'm burying myself in politics, because, while i care, it's still relatively impersonal. it's easier than confronting the real issues in my life. so, fuck you congress, fuck you and your sacrifice of democracy in the name of partisan politics. i welcome comment on this, pro or con, but please know what you're talking about before you talk (yes, henwy, that comment was targeted at you. read the fucking report before you dismiss it.)

spending most of my time with family lately. has been hard. grief, which i normally swallow, is being constantly dragged out of me like drowned bodies on hooks, through continuous contact with my fellow bereaved family members. doing my duty but it fucking hurts. i'd rather hide, it's what i do best in these situations.

today is the first day of class. calculus was a welcome relief. what is it about math that gives my life sanity and clarity?

living situation is as tight as ever. breaking the lease would cost me more money than seeing it through. buckling down and preparing for hard times. it's bad now, and it's going to get worse before it gets better.

dad bought me a car. he is my hero, even though i suspect his motivations for doing so. he's been very bendy-over-backwards for me since we finally got around to discussing the divorce and his erroneous handling of it, some 10 years later. thank you parental guilt, i've got wheels. anyway, the car: 90's corolla in great condition. thank fucking god, because kashmir's car gets repossessed today.

that's all for now. i'm spent. this was a summary. you should've seen the original.

so now i'm going to go mope around, watch the smokin kids with jealousy and hatred. fucking nicotine, fuck you fuck you fuck you. i hate you burn and die.

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Date:2005-01-04 13:20
Subject:i don't know how to handle this
Security:Public

my grandmother passed away last night. no one close to me has ever died before. i suppose that makes me lucky, but it also leaves me defenseless. i am unproductive. i am a mess. i'm going home.

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